Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’ For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.īeing able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there. We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison.
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